How? Why? When?

Have you ever been stuck in the middle of a bad dream? Wished that you could just wake up and it would be over? That's how I'm feeling this week. I'm feeling pretty down about our family situation, being separated from Jacques and Noah from his Dad. As well, the spinner was and incident that happened Monday night (although I will not discuss the specifics, out of respect for my bravest little soldier) that made it painfully clear how much our family situation is affecting Noah's little soul. I was in complete SHOCK to say the least and frankly, it was the wake up call needed to made us decide that this is IT. We are done. It's simply black & white now. We are taking action to make something happen. To end this separation for our family and bring us back TOGETHER.

As much as I have begun to lean on my faith and as much as I am beginning to understanding the deeper meaning of why this has had to happen - it still hurts. It hurts so much. How can it not? I have found many positive aspects of our situation and I continue to be positive. That being said, I have allowed myself to feel moments of sadness and this is now. These past 7 months have been rocky - first negative & difficult and now positive & easier. We have been a family that has been separated - waiting for our house to sell - waiting, waiting, waiting. I've been separated from my pillar of strength, my best friend and Noah has been separated from his dad, his best friend and it's just been WAY too long now. Many people have told me they understand, but do they REALLY understand? Have they walked in my shoes? Have they been separated from their spouse for this long? Have they had to listen to their child cry themselves to sleep so many countless night? Have they longed for their companion at night - so much that you (too) cry yourself to sleep? I'm not so sure. It's been hard - possibly one of the hardest times I've been through. We've seen some tough times in our marriage, but through it all we've been together....and I think this is why these past seven months have been so difficult. Because we have not been TOGETHER!

Not only my heart hurts for my husband but it also hurts for more children to join our family through our adoption that has been placed on hold because of our move. Then again, this is a whole other topic - this topic opens a whole other flood gate of emotions. Our adoption continues to be on hold until we get moved and settled. On Mother's Day 2008, it will be one full year since we mailed in our application to adopt. The day we mailed our application, we were of the belief that we would have had placement by the Spring of 2008. This has all changed (as it most often does in adoptions), not only because of our move but because of a mis-communication by the adoption social worker. So here we are, one full year later and still no farther in our process, with no end in sight........no PRIDE training to look forward to & no home study to dread - even in our near future. Yet, many nights I still dream of the day when I hear the 'pitter-patter' of more than one pair of feet (too early) on a Saturday morning, the rumble of children arguing over a toy, the giggles of the children keeping a secret from Mom & Dad or the day I hear "MOOOO-OOOOM" being hollered to give bedtime cuddles filled with love & affection.... or the day I see more than one set of finger prints on the freshly washed windows & walls....all of these hopes and dreams so far off in the future and it all pivots around us selling our house. It's so frustrating and heart breaking.

As I continue to talk to Noah (and keep him focusing on all the positives), one of his primary focuses continues to be our adoption. For him it's an adoption of a brother, a sister or both into our family, into HIS world. He SO looks forward to having someone to share with and one of the most positive focuses in his life.

So for now, I HAVE to trust that this is all happening for a greater reason, a greater purpose that only He knows! And that's just all...